Existential Crises

Existential crisis. A word we all use quite often. What concerns me is how we trivialize the meaning of it. Even I was among such people erstwhile, and still, continue to be. It was only after I actually experienced one that I realised how terrifying it could be.

Life is beautiful, life is great, yet, at that moment, all I felt was insecurity. What if this is the end, does it actually carry any meaning?

In the grand scheme of the universe, do I even matter?

What if I lost a loved one, what if everything is nothing beyond a mere simulation, and I have been delusional all along?

These thoughts might sound like rants of an eccentric nihilist, but, I got plenty of them even though I am far away from philosophy.

It is intriguing to see how pragmatic approach and philosophy coincide. Death, serves as a unifier.

I might die, and later be scattered as ashes.I might even unite with God( if at all, he exists. Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that).

Believe me, I cried for nearly an hour. It strikes me at any random moment. I might even tear up sitting before the computer screen when I done posting this blog.

I felt like curling myself up, and cry. Do I even exist, for whom?

Earth is just an inconspicuous speck in the cosmos.  “Oh,F*ck.”

Speaking of the cosmos, our minds are attributed as the most complicated things in the entire cosmos. It has its own coping mechanisms. It won’t let you sink that easily. Mine, too, was conditioned to Denial. A human behavioral trait, wherein we all venture into activities and stop thinking, or else, we’d all be dull and morose for the rest of our lives, awaiting death to embrace us and end the pain of existing once and for all.

Then, just a few words struck my mind

Cogito Ergo Sum. I think therefore I am.

I wiped my cheeks and went to the kitchen to cook mac and cheese.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Not Worth The Pain

I know I can’t do this.

It’s simply not my niche, not my cup of coffee.

Yes, I know, that Hope does its magic.

Little rookie, let’s be practical in approach.

Yet, to my astonishment, something nudges me to work harder.

Every dram of blood in my veins knows it’s not worth shedding on this.

Yet, it tells me devote time and energy to it.

I know it’s a futile venture, but I’ll master it one day.

I’ve made you with such precision and finesse.

I hope you traverse a million miles in the sky,

Fathom how deep this universe is.

With your each wing crafted by a practised virtuoso,

I hope you soar high.

It was an ache to see you fall weak just a few inches away,

Crashing down to the ground,

Someone tread on you, staining you with a footprint.

A stain, indelible, a stain who told that I failed.

Façade

Waiting in ambush for another gullible fool.

The fresh pine scent and red blossoms.

Man, did they lure me!

In search of a solace from my sickening life, I found the one I never desired,

A solace from being alive.

I never knew that road would taper down to just a meter or two.

My unsteady gait sealed my fate.

Nevermind, I know this is my doom.

Yet, at least I will breathe my last in this heavenly abode of alpines.

A fallacious façade, horrors inside.

Boulevards

This endless road, will probably lead me somewhere.

The green trees looming up, stare at me.

Have I taken the right path?

I know there is a very long way to go, yet I will traverse this distance.

When the street lights are out, when darkness visits me,

I feel afraid. I feel alone.

It was this darkness to escape which, I had chosen this way.

There are just a few drops of water left with me.

I am parched.

I nibbled the last slice of bread an hour ago.

I am starving.

My torch light is flickering, running out of battery.

I’ve often heard it said that one should never give up.

Believe me, it isn’t that easy.

My body doesn’t cooperate, and my mind doesn’t either.

It doesn’t fill me with any hope.

My lifeblood is draining.

My feet get bruised with every step.

As my legs give way, as my heart stops pumping,

I’ll rest assured, for some other traveller, marooned, shall see my footsteps,

and change is course.

I bet he’ll, then, know this boulevard is the wrong route.

I’m NOT a Feminist

You may call me a male chauvinist and a sexist, but I really feel I should be sharing this when I have a platform.

The forms feminism is assuming in modern times is worrisome, for me, at least.

Not all men are predators and not all women are victims!

I believe gender equality will be achieved the day we feel we should never stand way too close to a guy since it might make them feel uncomfortable.

Very antithetical and an unpopular opinion:

It is our moral responsibility to make sure no man, boy suffers and gets punished when women, girls take advantage of their gender and victimise themselves.

If the goal is gender equality, then why aiming at attaining matriarchy?

And, why, is the feminist logo pink? Why has it been given this colour, why not blue or any other? Why are we associating womanhood with the colour pink?

Anti-Feminist Rant Over.

Thanks for being so patient.

I’ll write an elaborate post on the same issue.

I Hate My Birthday

I, like kids usually, used to be excited about my birthday. I’ve often celebrated it too.

I was flipping pages of photo albums, taking a walk down the memory lane.

Seeing pictures of my birthday party made me feel even more stupid( I am stupid enough already).

What the f*ck is so fun about growing up?

Nothing.

I would like to thank my wall-clock, for making years elapse so fast. I’ve learned so much in that time span.

I am diverging from the norm. I am glad I have abandoned that headspace. I don’t find my birthday “happy” anymore.The reasons behind it might not seem very plausible. It’s just a very pragmatic approach. A dramatic stand-off with reality.

  1. If I am a year older, I am closer to death.
  2. People will expect me to be more responsible.
  3. I have to “think about my future.”(I don’t even know what I’ll eat for breakfast when I wake up).
  4. I am growing up. I need to be more financially stable.

Birthdays suck. Also, birthday parties are nothing but stressful social situations. Good luck dealing with yours.

My First Time with Gaslighters and A Toxic Friendship(And how I coped with it)

Gaslighting, something one should get a taste of as early as possible, because it is important to develop a coping mechanism that cannot, and should not be overpowered.

I know it’s tough. Even I ended up being “that suggestible loser”.

I’ve had my first experience recently, to be particular, today. A few hours ago. So, I felt the need to talk about it.

I always like to venture into multiple activites, and someone had problems due to the same. That someone is my friend, and makes me feel I am not good enough for anything. Not point-blank, but tangentially.

These are a few comebacks that worked for me:

  • The energy you wasted in analysing every aspect of my life, could have been channelised into something productive.
  • No need to tell me what’s better for me. I am already fortunate to have many other wellwishers around.
  • I am immune to gaslighting. Try this on someone else.

If you don’t think you need to get into a heated arguement or a dramatic stand-off, these are the things you should tell yourself:

  • You are sane, trust me. You don’t need to prove your worth in accordance with standards set by others.
  • You’re great, sane, brilliant.(Think about people who love you and you believe you are blessed to have in your life.)
  • I don’t give a shit. (My All Time Favourite).

So, if you feel IDGAF-ish, Viola! You just mastered the art of dealing with gaslighters.

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